by: Ron Fritzke
We'd just made it to the top of Mount Shasta (well actually only
as far as the road goes) when the subject of old-school bike
shorts came up. In those days I was still pounding the roads
training for marathons, oblivious to the cyclist's tribulations.
My Mount Shasta riding partner was the real hero from
yesteryear.
He's the guy who'd lived through the days of wool bike shorts.
You know...those old wool bike shorts that were washed in cold
water... if you ever wanted to squeeze into them again. Even
with the utmost of care they crept further and further up,
gradually squeezing all the life out of your legs.
It's rumored that the entire Speedo company was founded by a
cyclist who washed his wool bike shorts in hot water.
So what modern improvements do we enjoy in the world of bike
shorts?
An Upgrade In Materials
The most obvious upgrade is also the aspect of modern bike
shorts that makes the newbie most nervous. Namely...Spandex.
Spandex is like those lyrics, "Nowhere To Run and There's No
Place To Hide".
The Spandex used in bike shorts comes in two thicknesses. You
have eight ounce and you have six ounce. There's not much of a
difference between the two. Eight ounce Spandex costs a bit more
and is said to squeeze the cyclist's massive thighs tighter.
Six Panel vs. Eight Panel
In the bad old days bike shorts were made of inflexible
materials, namely the above mentioned wool fabric. If you
haven't noticed, the part of the human anatomy in and around the
unseemly parts is fraught with curves. This isn't
inflexible-fabric-friendly.
After inventing the wheel and harnessing fire, mankind's
greatest minds tackled this problem. Their
solution...multi-paneled bike shorts.
More panels made for more form fitting conformation. If it
weren't for the irritation of the seams, we may have seen shorts
that looked like Grandma's most intricate quilt.
Anyway, eight panels was better than six. But now that modern
materials can stretch to the moon and back, this issue isn't as
critical for comfort or function. However it's still very
important for prestige.
One piece of Spandex could quite likely cover the middle
sections of two cyclists standing very close together, virtually
eliminating the need for a multitude of panels. However, veteran
cyclists insist on eight panel bike shorts.
Going For Broke
Some bike shorts cost $30 and some cost $275. But what if the
$275 bike shorts are actually cheaper than the cheap ones? Huh?
Here's how you sell your spouse on some $275 Assos bib shorts.
Just remember that the Assos bib shorts last for 18 'biking'
years (a chronological year times seven) while the $30 dollar
shorts last for one 'mouse' year (a chronological year divided
by seven).
The Assos bib costs a little over $2 a year while the $30 shorts
cost a whopping $210 dollars a year. So you tell me...who'd be
foolish enough to buy anything other than the $275 Assos bike
shorts?
Specialized Features
Biking shorts are cut differently than the pants your plumber
favors. The waist is higher in the back and lower in the front.
Since the cyclist spends a lot of time bent over, as does the
plumber, biking shorts preclude a wind vortex from assaulting
the butt crack, even in the fiercest headwind.
A plumber's customers should be so lucky.
Waist strings should be wider than the G string on your guitar
so they don't cut into your gut. Most bike shorts have an
elastic waistband instead of a string. Some, like my Hind
shorts, couldn't decide so they provided an elasticized waist
string. I guess you can have it both ways.
Leg grippers are sticky bands on the inside of the short's legs.
They serve to thwart your short's efforts to ride up your leg,
applying more pressure to the groin.
Funky Bib Shorts
Bib shorts (bike shorts with built-in suspenders) keep a
constant upward pull so that the crotch liner is snug against
the nether regions. This is important because bunching or
rubbing of crotch material is a nuisance after a few hours of
riding.
A down side to the bib short is that they make it more difficult
to urinate while riding. Well not while actually riding, but
more accurately when taking a break during a ride. Bib shorts
and non-bib shorts perform equally well with regard to urinating
while riding.
The Chamois Insert
A good argument could be made that the ultimate function of the
bike short is to keep the all-important crotch liner
successfully aligned between the saddle and the rider.
In the past, the liner was usually made of sheep skin. It's main
feature was to protect the rider from all of those seams holding
together the many wool panels. Things have changed.
Today, seams aren't as big of a problem and man-made materials
have surpassed the lowly sheepskin.
Each bike shorts manufacturer has developed a liner that
surpasses all others. It's up to you to decide which is most
comfortable for you personally. You can usually make your
decision soon after you've ridden in them long enough to keep
you from returning them for an exchange or refund.
Beware of non-breathable inserts like gel pads. Unnamed experts
claim that if the crotch can't breath, moisture will
build up, resulting in an irritation like a diaper rash.
While I may argue that the crotch doesn't actually inhale and
exhale, they have a valid point.
Be Brave
So get courageous, suck up your gut, arrange yourself carefully,
and pull on your modern, padded, itch-proof bike shorts.
About The Author
Ron Fritzke is a runner converted to cycling. His unique view of cycling apparel and accessories adds spicy humor to his reviews. You can read more of his opinionated drivel at http://www.cycling-review.com.
This article may be reprinted in full so long as the resource box and the live links back to http://www.cycling-review.com are included intact. All copyrights reserved.
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